Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chesterfield!
Chesterfield who?
Chesterfield my leg so I slapped him!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank – proving once and for all that you cant have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A man was going to the dentist to get some teeth pulled. The dentist was about to give the man some local anesthesia to numb the pain.

Dont give me any drugs doc, I can take the pain. the man said.

The doctor pulled the first tooth out and the man just grunted. Then the doctor attempted to pull the second tooth, only this one snapped in half. But again the man just grunted. Wow, that sure is a lot of pain just to grunt at, have you ever felt pain like that before? asked the amazed dentist.

Well, twice actually. said the man, The first time was when I was out in the woods and had to take a crap really bad. I pulled down my pants and jumped over this log. Just then a bear trap closed on my balls and I started running….

Damn that must have hurt. the dentist interrupted. What was the second time?

Oh, that would have been when the bear trap came to the end of its chain.

Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.

According to American Rifleman:

Romanian national shooting team members, including 1988 free
pistol gold medalist Sorin Babii, were cited for genuine
acts of heroism by the Romanian news agency. Although
reports were rather sketchy, it would seem the marksmen
applied their skills to wipe out a group of terrorists that
presumably were loyal to deposed dictator Nicolae Ceausescu.

To me, this would seem to make the marksmen professionals rather than
amateurs and thus disqualifies them from future Olympic competition.

The kinderkarten teacher started school every morning by teaching the kids one new English word. She would then ask them to make sentences to show they understand the use of the word.

On this particular morning she chose the word frugal and explained that it has to do with saving, like if you are frugal, you save.

The kids really had trouble trying to make sentences with this one, untileventually little Sally gets up and says she has a story …

One day, many many years ago there was a beautiful princess who lived in a wonderful castle in a wonderful land. One afternoon the little princess went for a walk in the woods outside the castle, picking flowers as she went.

Suddenly, after a while she realised that she had lost her way and had no idea how to get back to the castle.

Fortunately just then she noticed a clearing in the woods ahead, and in the middle of the clearing sat a handsome prince on his white horse!

So she ran to the prince and said, Oh prince, frugal me, frugal me, and he frugalled her and they lived happily ever after

A tax preparer was helping some customers.

The first guy comes in and the tax man asks him, How much money did you make last year?

The guy answers, Oh, about $100,000

Gee, thats good! what do you do

Im a lawyer for a big corporation, etc

So the tax man finishes up with him and the next guy comes in.

How much money did you make last year?

I made $150,000 dollars

Oh really? What do you do?

Well, Im the head doctor at this big hospital …

And so the taxman finishes with him.

The third guy comes in and the taxman asks him,How much money did you make last year?

The guy answers, Well, last year was a pretty good year, I made about $9,000

The tax man asks him, Oh, really? What instrument do you play?

What do you call a prostitute covered in tattoos?

The Scenic Root.

An Orthodox Jewish couple are wondering what to get their son for his upcoming Barmitzvah. So when he gets home, they ask him:

So, David, what would you like for your Barmitzvah?

He replied, I would love a motorbike!

When David had left the room the Jewish couple talked about this amongst themselves. They had no idea what a motorbike was! So, they went down to their synagogue and told the Orthodox Rabbi that their son wanted a motorbike for his Barmitzvah but they didnt know what it was.

I have no idea! he said to the couples surprise. Youll have to ask the Reform Rabbi down the road.

So the couple walked down the road and asked the same question to the Reform Rabbi. But his reply was the same as the Orthodox Rabbi:

I dont know! Youll have to ask the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi further down the road.

So, the couple walked further down the road and found the ultra-mega Reform synagogue. They walked inside and said to the Rabbi there:

Our son wants a motorbike for his barmitzvah but we dont know what one is…can you help us?

And the ultra-mega Reform Rabbi replied, Woah, woah, woah, slow down a bit! First things first: whats a Barmitzvah?