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The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important military parade of the year. For 1992s parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry, followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical and strategic bombers.

Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. Who are they? he asked.

Ah, said Yeltsin, those are our economists!

But I thought this parade was military… said Clinton, confused.

Mr. Clinton, said Gorbachev, have you SEEN the damage those men can do?

Q: How many KGB agents does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check it for microphones.

Un día en la escuela la maestra le dice a los alumnos:

A ver niños, hagamos composiciones con las palabras. Tu, Juanito, dime una palabra con la letra D.

Diente, maestra.

Ok. Ahora, una composición.

En dientes duros no entan caries.

Perfecto, Juanito.

A ver tu Jaimito; dime una palabra con la letra E.

Jaimito piensa y piensa.

Envergadura, maestra.

Ok, Jaimito, ahora la composición.

¡En verga dura no entran dientes!

Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language … until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said hed prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

ENGLISH IS TOUGH STUFF


======================


Dearest creature in creation,


Study English pronunciation.


I will teach you in my verse


Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.


I will keep you, Suzy, busy,


Make your head with heat grow dizzy.


Tear in eye, your dress will tear.


So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,


Dies and diet, lord and word,


Sword and sward, retain and Britain.


(Mind the latter, how its written.)


Now I surely will not plague you


With such words as plaque and ague.


But be careful how you speak:


Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;


Cloven, oven, how and low,


Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,


Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,


Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,


Exiles, similes, and reviles;


Scholar, vicar, and cigar,


Solar, mica, war and far;


One, anemone, Balmoral,


Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;


Gertrude, German, wind and mind,


Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,


Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.


Blood and flood are not like food,


Nor is mould like should and would.


Viscous, viscount, load and broad,


Toward, to forward, to reward.


And your pronunciations OK


When you correctly say croquet,


Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,


Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour


And enamour rhyme with hammer.


River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,


Doll and roll and some and home.


Stranger does not rhyme with anger,


Neither does devour with clangour.


Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,


Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,


Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,


And then singer, ginger, linger,


Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,


Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,


Nor does fury sound like bury.


Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.


Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.


Though the differences seem little,


We say actual but victual.


Refer does not rhyme with deafer.


Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.


Mint, pint, senate and sedate;


Dull, bull, and George ate late.


Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,


Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,


Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.


We say hallowed, but allowed,


People, leopard, towed, but vowed.


Mark the differences, moreover,


Between mover, cover, clover;


Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,


Chalice, but police and lice;


Camel, constable, unstable,


Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,


Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.


Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,


Senator, spectator, mayor.


Tour, but our and succour, four.


Gas, alas, and Arkansas.


Sea, idea, Korea, area,


Psalm, Maria, but malaria.


Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.


Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,


Dandelion and battalion.


Sally with ally, yea, ye,


Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.


Say aver, but ever, fever,


Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.


Heron, granary, canary.


Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.


Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.


Large, but target, gin, give, verging,


Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.


Ear, but earn and wear and tear


Do not rhyme with here but ere.


Seven is right, but so is even,


Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,


Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,


Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation — think of Psyche!


Is a paling stout and spikey?


Wont it make you lose your wits,


Writing groats and saying grits?


Its a dark abyss or tunnel:


Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,


Islington and Isle of Wight,


Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough —


Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?


Hiccough has the sound of cup.


My advice is to give up!!!

Marine Corps Sniper. You can run but youll just die tired.

Cant produces countercant.

Follow your dream! Unless its the one where youre at work in your
underwear during a fire drill.

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in
his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting
for.

The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, I
was going to park there!

The man was a real smart ass and he said, Thats what you can do when
youre young and bright.

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed
it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.

The young man ran back to his car and asked, What did you do that for?

The little old lady smiled and told him, Thats what you can do when youre
old and rich!

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, Thats it for you. No honey for a week.

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boys mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, Should I tell her or should you?

The Russian and the American presidents are walking along the beach. They start
discussing their submarines.

The Russian president says, We recently have made much progress with our
submarines. They can now stay as long under water as yours, for one month.

The American president replies, Do you not think that we also made progress?
Our submarines can now stay under water for two months.

Shortly after this discussion they hear some strange sound coming from the sea.
Suddenly a old fashioned looking submarine appears. A hatch opens and a
uniformed man appears, Heil Hitler, meine Herren. Can you tell me whether the
war is already over?