Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five–one to change the light bulb and the other four to fill out the Environmental Impact Statement.

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed his mums bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, I need a man, I need a man.

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day Johnny came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself and moaned, Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!

What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?

A little red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

What you should do is go out and buy a late 70 or early 80 model Dodge Pickup, said the Pastor.

Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma.

The fellow asked, Will this help me live longer?

No, said the pastor, but it will make what time you do have, seem like forever.

Esta es la transcripción de una conversación radial real entre un buque de la Armada de los Estados Unidos y autoridades canadienses costeras de Newfoundland, en octubre de 1995.

Estadounidenses: Por favor, cambien su curso 15 grados al Norte, a fin de evitar colisión.

Canadienses: Recomendamos que ustedes cambien su curso 15 grados al Sur, a fin de evitar la colisión.

Estadounidenses: Les habla el capitán de un buque de la Armada de los Estados Unidos. Repito: cambien su curso.

Canadienses: No. Repetimos: ustedes deben cambiar su curso.

Estadounidenses: Este es el portaaviones Abraham Lincoln, el segundo buque en tamaño de la flota de los Estados Unidos de América en el Atlántico; nos acompañan tres destructores, tres cruceros y numerosos buques de apoyo. Demando que usted cambie su curso 15 grados al norte, o tomaremos medidas para garantizar la seguridad de este buque.

Canadienses: Este es un faro. Ustedes deciden.

Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) – Stafford Beer

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.
VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is…. totally different.
LEIA: I dont know… but I have a bad feeling about this.
HAN: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or youre gonna be a permanent resident!
THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.
ARTOO: beep beep be bop.
BEN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken – trust me.
BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesnt survive? Hes worth a lot to me!
WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?
CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!
JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.
BIB: Die chicken wanga?
BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?
TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line.
UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. Your only concern is to cross that road.
AUNT BERU: He cant stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.
ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens – prepare to cross the road on my mark.
LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!
EMPEROR: If you will not cross, then you will be destroyed!
JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!
JA-JA: Oo! Icky-icky chicken!
SIO BIBBLE: Crossing the road can mean only one thing; invasion.
DARTH MAUL: At last we will cross the road. At last we will have revenge.

Whats the good part about Alzheimers Disease ?

You keep meeting new friends !

/* GCFL wishes all our readers a Merry Christmas! */

When I was a child of about twelve years old, we had a Christmas that I have never forgotten. We grew up in humble means to say the least, but we generally always had one or two gifts under the tree even if they were only socks and underwear.
During this particular Christmas, by good fortune we had many gifts. For the first time in a long time, we received a lot of the things we actually wanted. I was one of seven children, so this was a very big deal. We were all so excited and could hardly wait until Christmas morning.
However, on that Christmas Eve, after careful reflection and much heated discussion, my father decided that it was much too much, and that in this frenzy that we had lost the true meaning of Christmas.
With much trepidation, we were instructed to hand over all but one of our unopened gifts. There was some crying, some anger, some shock and disbelief. What happened next truly astounded us. My father loaded all those gifts into his truck and we all piled in. We went from house to house in our community and handed out our things. Some of the families we knew, some we didnt. All were as poor as we were. Some had no gifts except for ours. As that truck rounded corner after corner, slowly, very slowly, the anger left. The shock and disbelief vanished and were replaced with a different sort of emotion. We all started to feel a overwhelming sense of joy in this service. The mark that this experience left on our lives has changed the way we look at Christmas forever.
Never before had I grasped what Christmas was truly about. It is about unselfish giving. Not of toys or gifts, but giving of ourselves. It was of Christ who would gave the ultimate gift of eternal life.
That experience taught us that at the celebration of his birth, our giving should reflect his ultimate sacrifice. He gave the whole of his life in our service and for our sake showing us His love. Hence the best gift we can give to others at Christmas is our time, sharing our talents, and genuine love, as acts of kindness.

Received from Dr. Scott Brooksby.